


life shouldn't be this good for me

by oceandawn



Series: in another life [7]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceandawn/pseuds/oceandawn
Summary: ben is engaged. it feels like winning.but the fear, the doubt that life has been too fair, too good for him is still very much there even days after they've both said yes.thing is, home isn't far. callum is never far.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: in another life [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924921
Comments: 11
Kudos: 67





	life shouldn't be this good for me

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to kit for this prompt on tumblr!
> 
> "Is that my shirt?" / "We'll get through this, I promise."
> 
> when i was thinking what to write to this i was like oh, they just got engaged, and everyone is doing soft codas for the engagement episode so i said hm, what if i parkour to the other side and explore the doubts of ben who never thought he'd have this

Ben checks his watch. _5:07am_. 

A breath rocks his chest, something between dread and cold, as if there's ice stuck in his throat from sitting here in the cold, _waiting._

He's not even outside, sitting in the Mitchell house with the heating turned up. It's more emotional than physical, a sense that he's not quite _complete_ without that one soul, that one person who slots the little missing piece into his chest and stamps home on the surface.

Ben allows the pressure to creep into his head, leaning his forehead against his knees as he brings his legs up to his chest. He could easily go back upstairs, sink back into the mattress and the warm ocean that is Callum, but there's an inkling of doubt.

And like ink in water, it spreads, blooms easily until the entire container is dark and void.

Ben takes another breath, one that he keeps held in his lungs until it burns. The TV doesn't even help, and he remembers being in this mind palace a few weeks ago, maybe even months. He's been thinking about marrying Callum for a while and yet the _what if_ questions come back and smack him back into reality.

It's too late to change his mind when he hears the first sign of movement. The soft thud of feet on carpet, the little sniff he does as he's just waking up. Ben knows so many of Callum's little Callum things that he almost laughs — why _can't_ he marry him? Why does he doubt every part of that?

Callum's hand reaches him first, knowing sound won't, and so Ben allows the rope around his shoulders to loosen, moving into that hold.

Ben is aware that if he turns to look at Callum, he'll see those concerned eyes, the baby blues that have been there through thick and thin, providing a blue sky when every cloud seems to be grey.

Callum squeezes his shoulder, parking himself on the arm of the sofa, and Ben is mere clay in his hands as he slumps into his side.

And _ah —_ that _warmth._ Ben hums from it, nuzzling into Callum's side and the delicate, faded thump that Ben can feel through his nightshirt. 

Those hands, too. The one not on his shoulder moving to cup his jaw, and Ben can feel it coming, eyes down until he has no choice to look up. 

Well, he's wrong, for once.

Callum is smiling, a warmth in his expression that'll melt the most cold and brittle hearts. Ben's not surprised, because he's managed to thaw Ben's after all. Even Ben himself made sure that was near impossible — yet Callum was meant to be impossible.

There wasn't meant to be anyone to love Ben as much as Callum does.

"Is that my shirt?" Callum signs and talks at the same time, hands falling back to Ben afterwards. The moonlight bleeding through the blinds like a lingering fog paints them both in this faded, almost aged tint of blue.

Ben huffs at that, turning his head into Callum's chest even more. His hand falls to his knee, moving up his thigh until it sits near his hip, thumb circling under the waistband. 

_God — why does he think he'll always lose him when he's right here?_

"What's mine is yours now, right? Engaged 'n all."

Callum pauses for a moment, and Ben looks up to see him staring at the floor. It's only when Ben squeezes his hip that Callum blinks back to Ben.

"Sorry," he chuckles, and Ben finds himself smiling against his will from how that sound feels against his cheek. "Need to get used to that."

"What, being engaged to me?" Ben clicks his tongue. "Rough times for you. Someone better come and be your Prince Charming to save you from me."

Callum shakes his head, squeezing Ben's shoulder again, moving to his neck.

"Pretty sure that was you, Ben," Callum meets his eyes, hand soothing down his back as far as he can reach without moving. "You saved me from a lot of pain, from lying."

"That was all you."

"Was you, too," Callum dips his head to kiss the top of Ben's head, lingering there until Ben looks up, placing a kiss to his forehead not long after. "But why are you up? Can't you sleep?"

"Mmm," Ben knew this was coming. He could dodge it, but Callum is like some sort of world class detective when it comes to the case of Ben Mitchell. "Just — might be nerves? Worry? This whole marriage thing scares me, Cal."

"Do you know why?"

"No," Ben swallows, and now, he finds it easier to. "Never expected it, never really wanted it, at least I settled on the idea of being… a solo act."

Callum finds amusement in that, but it fizzles into this strange string of pain in his head when he realises the full meaning behind that. Ben had almost given up once, was convinced on the idea that he already had, but it's far from the truth.

"I don't know how to do this either," replies Callum, and Ben just smirks up at him. Oh, of course. Whitney. "Yeah, I know. But that wasn't — wasn't _me,_ really. That was the me I was trying to hold on to that was never there in the first place. Only you saw through that."

"That's not your fault, babe."

"Yeah," Callum breathes as Ben moves his hand up and down Callum's thigh again. It's almost ridiculous, soulmate level comfort that they somehow give each other. Presence and weight. "I didn't even propose with a proper ring, didn't this time either."

Ben moves his hand to Callum's stomach, up to his neck as he hums. Callum turns to him easily as Ben thumbs at his cheek, eyes on his lips.

Oh.

He keeps forgetting that when they kiss, it's as fiancés now, not boyfriends. It seems silly to think of it that way because of a label, but it's the _meaning_ of that label that makes Callum's chest flutter with new butterflies.

Ben kisses him soft, once, lingering to press his nose to his cheek.

"Sorry," says Ben. "This is just — _just—"_

 _"Yeah,"_ Callum laughs, bringing both of his hands to Ben's face, brushing one thumb across the corner of his mouth. "We said yes. That's all we have to do, right? Live in the moment until we're ready to do the next. You ain't alone now, Ben, because my _yes_ means a whole lot more than just spending my life with you. It's through everything, anything."

Ben shakes his head, his words beautiful and beyond anything Ben would ever manage to say himself.

"You're impossible, Cal," Ben leans into the hand cupping his head, sighing. "I don't think I'll ever stop saying how lucky I am."

Callum shrugs, "Don't mind hearing it again and again."

Ben goes _ha ha_ sarcastically, but their smiles are all honey, warm, soothing and Callum doesn't want Ben to feel any fear, thinking he'll somehow mess this up.

"We'll get through this, I promise," says Callum, whispered into his hair, unspoken to Ben because he knows how much he hates promises, the pain when they're broken. "We do it our way. No one can take that from us."

Callum will wear that himself, that promise, to prove to Ben even now that they're much more than any other couple being married.

They're something special, unique. There's no other _Ben and Callum,_ no exact twins of themselves.

A promise is sometimes already met when said, like now, Callum promising that they'll get through it.

They have.

The ring on his finger is proof enough, the papers they'll sign under fairy lights and gentle piano one day. Somewhere inside their hearts made a promise to never give up, to find each other, to be here.

Callum takes his hand, kisses it with the softness of a leaf in spring amongst the wind and leads him back to bed, back to his arms and stays there even as the sun crawls up the sky.

Maybe they'll be alright. They'll do this their own way.

Ben and Callum's way.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr & twitter : callumslove


End file.
